I am not sure if I will publish this or not. It is something that has been on my mind lately and I am don’t think I have finished thinking about it. I felt the need from the title several times in my life, but it was most intense I remember when I was working as a programmer.
I got a strong taste of it again the other day when I was looking at programming job postings. It brought back memories from when I was trying to get started in programming years ago. It is a particularly strange feeling. I will try to describe it.
The way it starts is looking at various challenges and telling myself in a rushed sort of anxious way yeah I can do that. That is easy. Then I have coupled with it this dream of being able to do the job both brilliantly and competently. Even now I feel a pull to try to learn and be brilliant. There is a strong push to accomplish enough that I feel at peace. It is a frantic feeling, and I have found it keeping me from actually learning well. In my haste I tend to close my eyes to nuances and also panic at any little difficulty.
This really is one of the least wise frames of mind that I get into. I think it is rooted maybe a little deeper than I had thought before. In the past I thought that it had to do with old work struggles, but now I am wondering if it goes back to the way that I felt when I left L’Abri the first time. The feeling of both excitement and fear as I thought about my leaving behind grad school plans. I think that writing papers for school is possibly part of the archeology of this experience I have. I am not sure yet though. I find it pretty mystifying.